20230605

my eyes are getting worse.

my body is taking a beating from this life
and i’m attuned to its decay.

forced to watch it be spent in the service of capitalism.
what a waste.

how much of my vitality is wrapped up in this endeavor
the furthering of an idea
that isn’t working.

an idea that causes harm.
perpetuates division.
amasses power.

sucking it out of our eye sockets.

we are staring at its sun.

the instant we look away
self-interest creeps in
convincing us for a moment that we are eternal.

so we nod our heads back
and open our eyelids.

that’s all it needs us to do
to stay alive.

if only that was all it took
for me to do the same.
  

20230603

my vibrancy has become more observable as i have gotten older.
i feel that i have become less vibrant.

it takes time to learn to love yourself.
to see yourself.

as i have become more fond of who I am
i fear the parts i am finally growing fond of
...
my appearance
my confidence
my insight
my problem solving
my love
...
i fear that these things are on their way out.
that the time to utilize them is becoming more scarce.

that at some point there wont be enough of it left to feel good about  
or to show people
or to have them partake in.

my beauty is a resource that is nonrenewable.
am i sharing it while i still can
is it being used
or is it going to waste.

as i am beginning to recognize the things that most make me feel beautiful
that beauty is only a reminder of a more beautiful past.

had i only loved myself more then
appreciated myself more fully then.

might i have made different decisions
that led to more happiness
or translated to less pain
that led to others' happiness
or prevented their pain.

as i find my beauty
i am made more aware of my own decay.
and i want it to be consumed
while it still can be.
  

20230602B

i want to share this feeling.

i want to be puzzled by the same things.
hold breath in the same air.

i want to have the same challenge.
the same wonder.
the same fear.

the same same.
  

20230602A

what i am feeling is not a bad thing.

i am accessing feelings in new ways.
i am recognizing pain instead of missing it.
i am vocalizing what hurts and where it hurts.
i am putting words to things that are hard to explain.

yes there is a lot of sadness in it.
but it isn’t bad.
or a downer.
or something to be disappointed about.

it is good.
  

20230601B

i am worried that the older i get
the less desirable i will become.
the less valuable i will be.

unless i have a family
who loves me for who i am.

there is no guarantee
that i can have that
for an entire life.

and that potential
of not having people who love me for who i am
for a period of time
is terrifying.

and what’s more
i can feel like the people who love me for who i am
don’t know me completely.

that there are pieces of who i am
spread across relationships in my life.

and i must assemble that picture of myself.
in order to sum all of the visibility
in order to feel wholly adequate.
valueable.
whatever.

so even when i feel loved for who i am
i still don’t feel wholly seen.
understood.

i want to find self reflection.
so that i might see myself as complete
and in that total picture
love myself.

fully.

i want to fully exist.
and sometimes that feels very difficult to do 
when i feel alone.
  

20230601A

i watch my father’s collarbone get older.

i see my parents mature into their age.
and it makes me sad.

watching them become more themelves
as our time together becomes less.

why doesn’t everything last forever?
it’s such a shame that anything ends.

i just want time to keep going
without our time waning.

oh everything good should exist forever.
growth should be enough to keep us alive.

but it’s not.

we grow until we die.

nothing about that feels right.
we should grow and live long enough to experience perfection.
to experience the end of growth.

there’s so much in life that needs to heal.
and yet our lifespan cuts that healing short.

the healing is cut short
and we are deprived of the joy that comes from wholeness.

instead

we are presented with imperfection
and forced to find beauty in that.

we are given the idea of progress as a replacement for completeness.

we are given the idea of something greater
the idea of something transcendent.
so that we might track meaning into eternity
because it goes where we cannot.
and wherever it goes
is where we most want to be.

i look at my parents in their imperfection
and i yearn for wholeness.
because in them i see a reminder of progress
and my hope for something to be complete.

and in that i am grateful
that feels perfect.

but i am mourning the time that won’t ever exist. 
  

20230530

lately i’ve been compulsively scrolling.
opening up this device and moving my thumb.

distraction is the new silence.

why is it so hard to just sit?
what so wrong about reflecting that i’d rather not?
that i would choose to avoid it.

silence and solace should be a good thing.
something that makes me feel good.
present.

instead, i need a flash in front of me.

to make my heart skip a beat.
to make my brain go on.

i need something other to tell me what to feel.

i want to be excited to make myself feel things.
i want to perpetuate my own joy.
i want to validate myself.

and yet...

...

and yet i use my phone until my hand hurts.
until my eyes hurt.
until i stop thinking.
until i look up dissatisfied.

everything must be recorded.
everything must be preserved.
everything must be displayed.

performed.

so that it might be validated
because i’m incapable of validating it myself.
or maybe i just don’t want to.
  

20230529

it’s hard for me to observe joy.
specifically the joy that i see people that look like me having.

it feels like a joy that i’m supposed to have.
but isn’t a joy that i feel like i want.

i look at families with parents that are my age.
with kids that i could have had.
deep in the world of family building.
protection.
security.

and it feels like something i’ve always wanted to have.
but never could.
not because i’m incapable.
not because i haven’t found the right situation.

it feels like it was never something for me.
it feels like something a different me could only experience.

that it’s not the life that i have been given
that something would have to change so deeply in me
for that to even be something that’s mine.

i look at families and i want to cry.
not because i feel like i missed out.
but because i feel like i’m on the outside. 

my understanding of the world
and people’s understanding of me
feel like a barrier to the joy.

there was a time.

when i thought that my life
would be having kids that play in the street
on an early summer day.
in a town
distant from everything else.

a life full
of family things
of bruises and scrapes.
of hurt feelings 
and water balloons thrown too hard.

that feels like an eternity away. 
a place that i don’t fit.

and it’s palpable
when i’m there as a guest.

everyone is enthusiastic about having me around
but i feel like i’m on the other side of a wall
and that people know it.
and that i don’t fit there.
and that makes me sad 
because i don’t know what joy looks like if it doesn’t look like that.

i feel like i’d like to experience the joy.
and that it would be disingenuous.

it would be something that i would be pretending to be.

i represent in so many ways
what others feel is missing from their life.
the alternative.
and there’s something exciting about that for them
and so they enjoy spending time with me.

and i sit on the other side.

not envious.

still sad.
  

20230527

i’m sitting here thinking about how friends leave.

you build relationships with people and you are a person for that time
and then time passes and you do different things
and you grow apart without realizing it.

because what’s happening in front of you is always most important.
most top of mind.

and then one day you miss being somewhere that you’re not
and you look around you 
and you see things that remind you of the way things used to be

you grow fond of the time where less time had passed.
where everything was more fresh and more real.

and you miss it.
and then you check in
with those friends.

and you realize how far you’ve grown apart.

and there’s still love
because there are still memories of the past.

but it’s not the same.
and there’s disappointment in that.

it reminds you of how much life you’ve lived.
which is ultimately a reminder of less life remaining
and that can be some thing that you don’t want to think about.
  

20230525

i am too tired
i a m too tire d
i yam  two tye red

i have nothing creative in me right now
i am trying
trying to be creative
and this this this right here is 
it iti t.
perhaps this is interesting
perhaps it is very much not
we will see 

i am just going to talk right now
i put my head back
and closed my eyes and cannot see what i am typing
i just looked down to see if i messed up.
i didnt. nice.
my eyes are closed again and i am kinda typing faster. 
whjp lows where the time goes.
i am so tired.
its like my capacity is ...
...
....
i dont know.

this whole time i wasnt looking
im back though because my fingers got misplaced.

i forgot about the small bumps on f an j keys. 
handy.
fingery?


i guess im here in the dark 
typing on my favorite website
hoping that this give me something back

there is a dim warm yellow light next to me. it is night.
the screen on my laptop is lit here too
maybe i shall turn the brightness down

ok i will.

hello friends. this is nice.

i worked with students today
and did some adult work too for my job
i am very lucky.

it is a thursday
but it feels like a no-day.
the kind of day where nothing is known
you just whiz through it

in full on response mode

no time to contemplate

except the drive back from englewood
reflecting on the time you spent building relationships
with kids who have so much more ahead of them
then you ever felt you had.
though you did indeed have it ahead of you.

the time i spend teaching
is time i spend thriving

im sure it wouldnt be easy if i did it full time
but it sure feels like a good fit.

that time is spent in bliss
nothing else matters
everything feels like the right expenditure of energy

not questioning decisions,
or weighing them tactically for the sake of a career move.
just being present.
with people.
who want someone to be present with them.
who want to make someone laugh
or learn from them
or someone to hug or giggle about.

someone to see them.

i like to see people.
i like them to know they got it.
that what they are doing is valid.
that they are valuable
even if they dont know what they want.
if they dont make anything.

student j made me a website tribute today in fifteen minutes
did it to make me laugh.
was proud to show me.
it was really funny.
j is the quiet one.
that i nudge and say hey
while they pretend to ignore me.